Why Adoption? Part 2 Disqualified

*Disclaimer: My hubby reads EVERY post before it goes out. As the head of our household, he is my editor, so that I do not share too little or too much of what he would prefer. This next part is mostly about him, but please understand that I do have his approval to share this. God is a God of redemption. If He can't use our past to help others, then there is no good that can come of it.
2 Corinthians 1:3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

On that note, this is where our story continues........

Due to my health not ever 'returning to normal', we could barely see past this fact to even consider adopting in the present/future. Approximately a year after my health began improving, we began the process trying to sell our home, by owner. We knew that our current house was full and had no room for any additional children. At the same time we also felt the Lord nudging us to a different area nearby. The process of selling was taking much longer than expected and due to the stress of this, my health regressed a little bit. However, this was able to be remedied with meds and taking better care of myself.

At about the same time, my dear hubby went through a deep phase of anger. It was a bit more than just a bad day at work or being grouchy because of his shift work. There was a deeper root that neither he nor I could figure out what was troubling him. We sought out a dear couple from church to mentor us through this time. We began going through a bible study on marriage with them and discussing the chapters. After about half way through the book, it was the Holy Spirit that revealed to the gentleman, the reason behind John's anger.

Hebrews 12:15See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

When John and I were going through pre-marriage counseling there were parts of his past that he didn't want to share with me. That I would just have to accept the fact that he could not tell me about his "Before Jesus" days. My DH didn't come to the Lord until he was 32 years old so there was a bit of past deeds that were done the 'world's way'. He didn't want those past decisions to cause me to respect him less or see him in a different light. After all, since asking the Lord into his heart he was now a new creation, what is the point in dwelling in the past? At the time he was unaware of the verse in Hebrews that said it was difficult to bear this root alone. Due to the burden of hiding his past and the condemnation that it held over him, he was no longer able to maintain the burden. Instead it was coming out where he least wanted it to. Our mentor told him once he 'came clean' with everything and was able to speak freely about the past, there would no longer be a reason for this anger to reside in his heart and spill out on the people he loved most.

So when we got home that evening, he shared the burdens of his heart.

At the tender age of 15 my hubby conceived a child out of wedlock, with his girlfriend. It was shortly after the death of his father that this occurred where he was grieving and 'looking for love in all the wrong places'. Once her family found out she was pregnant they didn't tell anyone. One day she was 'sent away'. My hubby's best friend, her brother, wouldn't tell him anything about where she went or how she was doing. She and her family decided that the best thing for them to do would be to send her to a unwed mothers home during her pregnancy, so the child could be placed up for adoption. Due to the circumstances, this was tremendously wise. My hubby was informed of what had taken place when she returned to her home after being gone for 9 months. After a while, the nagging uncertainty subsided into buried guilt/shame.

OK, here is where I come off as the totally understanding wife! NOT! I don't 'beat around the bush' really well........ After finding this out, I remember uncontrollably blurting out certain questions in a kind and loving not so delicate fashion:
*How could you have a kid out there and NOT know where she is?
*Do you want to know if she is OK?
*Do you think she may want to know WHY she was placed for adoption?
*She needs to know her medical history!
*Have you ever thought about trying to locate her?

Such a compassionate response, I know. Maybe you are able to handle mysterious biological children better than I, OR possibly you do not have the same foot in mouth disease I do? ;o) While these were all things he had considered, in order to seek out the answers, you must prayerfully ask the Lord if this was something He wanted for all those involved. John was conflicted....... His heart and DNA cried out for answers, but there is an also that underlying guilt/condemnation when satan whispers in your ear 'YOU DON'T DESERVE TO KNOW'. Although his birth daughter was very much an adult now and he had wanted to locate her, making yourself available to be found came with so many unknowns.
How would this effect our family?
How do I explain to my kids that they have a sibling so much older than them?
What if this person has a horrible childhood because of me?
What if she hates me?
Will the truth be too painful a reality to re-live in order to find her?

Although many of these unknowns were paralyzing at times, he still wanted to find her. Even if it was to just let her know that when SHE was ready to chat, here was his information. Due to the complexity of an emotional roller coaster that this had caused in his life, I knew it would be hard for him to have the perseverance to find her. I asked him if I could do the searching for him and he agreed that this would be the best.


Long story short, we did find her parents in 2004 but it was right after Hurricane Charlie hit Florida. Her parent home was hit rather hard so they had been staying at a hotel while it was being repaired. Once they did receive John's letter, she e-mailed us first. Then they spoke over the phone. A couple years would pass before we got the opportunity to meet her face to face. If you haven't already, you can read about that here with It all started with a simple vacation.

Contemplating adoption when you have been on the other side of the spectrum (a birth parent), can be irreconcilable without God's healing power of redemption. Satan's lies would tell you that your life before Christ, disqualifies you from being on the blessing/receiving end of adoption. It wasn't till after this battle with his prior adoption story that he could even consider being blessed by adopting someone else's child. To Be Continued.......

Why Adoption? Part 1

Those of you that know us well, know that we have a heart for adoption. This was not always the case for us. Since we are embarking on the road to adoption I figured it may be helpful to share the reason how and why we came to have this passion.

No where in the bible does it say, "If you follow me and obey my instructions, everything will go PERFECT." Instead it says.....

Matthew 16:24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. 25 If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. 26 And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?

I Samuel 15:22 ......."Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD ? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams. 23 For rebellion is like the sin of divination, and arrogance like the evil of idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the LORD, he has rejected you as king."

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

1 Peter 1:3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. In God's great mercy he has caused us to be born again into a living hope, because Jesus Christ rose from the dead.4 Now we hope for the blessings God has for his children. These blessings, which cannot be destroyed or be spoiled or lose their beauty, are kept in heaven for you.5 God's power protects you through your faith until salvation is shown to you at the end of time.6 This makes you very happy, even though now for a short time different kinds of troubles may make you sad.7 These troubles come to prove that your faith is pure. This purity of faith is worth more than gold, which can be proved to be pure by fire but will ruin. But the purity of your faith will bring you praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is shown to you.

On the premise, as Christians, we are not to expect the 'perfect life', this is where our journey begins.
I can remember a time when Benjamen was just a couple months old when my dear husband brought up a very touchy subject with me. He told me it was time for him to have a Vasectomy. While he was no where near demanding my consent, he was pleading for my agreement.
Please understand, this wasn't just your 'typical' reason for being done. We had always talked about having a large family. While 3 kids under the age of 5 was stressful at times, I knew that God had a plan in mind for us! Usually the reasons people are 'done' having children usually fall into one of these categories:
~ "I can't handle any more kids"
~ "__ is enough"
~ "We have __ girl(s) and ___ boy(s) so now we can be done"
~ I want to be done with kids by the time I am ____ so I can enjoy my life again.

However, these were not our reasons....... His request was based with one purpose in mind. Preserving the safety of myself and our children. While my first pregnancy was rather normal, the last 2 had almost killed me. It was the providence of God that our children were born without some sort of birth defect. When you have a grand mal seizure while pregnant, the moms body cuts off the oxygen supply to the umbilical cord for the length of the seizure. Due to the deprivation of oxygen to the baby's brain and due to a flood of anti-convulsant medications that purged through their small bodies, we are very blessed that they didn't suffer serious injury.
Over the course of these years, my husband watched the healthy woman he married, just 4 1/2 years prior to this, become very sick. With each pregnancy, the hormones made a mild seizure disorder (petit mal) into something unable to be tamed even by the strongest medications. We used to have fair warning (aura) when the seizures were mild but now there was no warning at all. They continued to be longer in duration and more violent. The doctors warned, if we had any more children, the possibility of death or comma for me was probable.
Although I had all this information, the plans for a large family were dying and I didn't want to accept it. My hubby's intentions to protect the children we did have and give my body the ability to recover, didn't seem to sooth the permanence of co-erced infertility.
After all, I used to be the women who once thought she was going to "have it all"......... a career and 2.5 well adjusted children. I gave up the illusion of the American dream because God knows it would have destroyed me to chose this earthly fulfillment. INSTEAD, what gave me the most joy was being so blessed to bring children into this world and teach them about the Lord! To raise up world changers!

I went into my room to have a quiet time and PLEAD my case to the Lord. Through tears I began begging the Lord to change HIS heart. To heal me and allow us to have more children. Once my agenda was out there, the Lord began to soften my heart so that He could share His. Many tears were shed that day as I heard His still small voice mention the following subjects.......
Submission, Obedience, Sacrifice, Barren, Joy, Idolatry, Consequences of Disobedience, Fruitful, Hope......... and finally ADOPTION. As my heart strained to hear the painful words of conviction, it also clung to the hope of adoption. My heart and eyes welled up with tears as I shared these words the Lord had given me with my husband. Although I prayed for God to change his heart the one whose heart was changed was my own.
When a man is allowed the ability to truly LEAD his family, it is always a good thing that is pleasing to the Lord.
Grateful that I had chosen to agree with my his request, my hubby too agreed to the 'new plan' to complete our family. He, however, had no idea what this new plan meant for his future. Quite a few years would pass without uttering a word about adoption until it was brought up at a time out of context. To be continued.....

The Best Nest

I have been pondering something God has been showing me for quite a while now since our move. It is lesson that aches with conviction and sometimes even a bit of condemnation. However, since it was recently brought to my attention through a visual aide I figured I could now put words into pictures.

Many of the plants that are around our home havn't been maintained over the years. One of which, if not trimmed, turns into a huge, thorny, creeping mess. The bush was so overgrown and full of dead branches that, as you can see, it was leaning sideways. While it still flowered a small bit, the leaves began spotting and turning yellow so I asked a landscaper at church what to do with it. She recommended it probably needed a good trimming back. So as I took to the task of pruning the thorn-ridden monstrosity, eh hemm........ I mean Beautiful Bougainvillea, the Lord began showing me a bit of a picture as I peeled back the layers. In the course of pulling out the dead parts and cutting away at the massive overgrowth, I found something rather unexpected.

Here are 2 of the 3 empty bird nests that were located within the confines of the bush. I am sure they served their purpose in the time they were in use, however, the overgrowth was so bad that there became a point that these were stuck in the mass of thorny branches. If you will notice, they are so ornate and very sturdy to hold up in the harsh rains and winds here in Florida. Their placement in the bush and sturdy construction reminded me of our network of believers we left behind in WA state. When you are privileged with such an amazing support system, it is hard to see how this could ever be detrimental to your walk with God. However, these wonderful Christian people can become your standard of what Jesus has called you to. While you think that you are fully reliant on the Lord, following His will in everything because you have the support of your closest network......... they are not the standard, Jesus is. Just like me, they too are human with failures and frailties. Don't we tend to gravitate to those that tend to share the same liberties as we chose to LOVE and sometimes even hang out with people that have the same failings as ours so we can bond over fruitless living.

We can remain in ignorance together while condoning each others desire for unholiness while in the end our roots begin to surface and leaves turn a bit yellow from lack of nourishment. Much like I did with that plant, when the Lord removed us from our home, He pruned away the comfort & security of our nest. We really had no idea of why He was choosing to do this, however, I can see part of it was that we needed to check our roots. We had the ideal situation back home. Family close by, great friends/fellowship, job security, great church leadership, unwavering biblical teaching, a core group of people that really KNEW us intimately, people who we could count on if we ever needed anything at all. With all these wonderful things in place, unknowingly, our roots began to surface. Although we may not have realized it, God saw our leaves begin to turn yellow and wrinkle due to lack of HIM filling our needs rather than the security of friends, family & church.

Moving to Florida has been eye-opening in many areas. The most important honest evaluation though has been how shallow our roots were. That once all of our securities were stripped away, we were tested to see if we truely believed that Jesus really IS ENOUGH. We are called to have deep roots in the Lord so that when the fires of life rage with avengence, we can look to the one who has His hand on the thermostat. How often, when the fires raged, we were quickly able to call a reliable Christian friend, rather than seeking out the counsel of the one who made us. How easy it was in a time of trouble to solve the immediate problem through our network of people who loved and cared for us rather than call out to the One who made us and has an awesome plan for our lives. Logically, for a "mature believer" it is DUMB to do this on a continual basis when you realize that the maker of the Universe has our best interest at heart. Yet we are lazy, lonely people that simply rely on what is tangible for the RIGHT NOW when Jesus still small voice beckons to be enough for us. Seeking the voice that calmed the raging sea, raised the dead and who speaks life into these dry bones is the only way that our roots remain deeply grounded into the rich fertile soil, while all else is secondary. The bait of Satan is to get our focus looking to others as our standard, when Christ wants our eyes fixed on Him and His word for direction.

Not sure if this is you? Here is a possible self-check to do with the Lord.



When something horrible or amazing happens what is your first instinct?



When you need some guidance on ANY subject do you go to the Lord first or gather all the necessary information before consulting the Lord?



Is God more of your butler up in heaven? A means to an end only necessary when you need some answers, or some extra UMPH to get through the day OR is His whisper presently recognizable in every aspect of your life?



Most importantly, if you are still certain this doesn't at all apply to you, the Lord knows! Ask Him to search your heart and He will be faithful to point out any areas that are whithering. Maybe no one around you can 'see' your malnourishment, but be certain that God is just waiting to be enough.

We made it!

I wanted to share just a few thoughts to express how incredibly thankful that today, my hubby and I celebrate 12 years as husband and wife. I must admit that there were many times during those years that I wondered if we would make it. Often in our marriage, I wondered if we would join the very unfortunate statistics of divorce within the church. Neither of us, ever had biblical reason for divorce..... Apathy, self-reliance and selfishness are choices, yet for many years we had a marriage that could be labeled "Failure to Thrive". Reason being might be summed up in a inability to accept and apply these WISE quotes.

A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
Robert Quillen

I don't believe couples fall out of love - they fall out of repentance.
Gary Thomas

Forgiveness is the only way to break the cycle of blame--and pain--in a relationship...It does not settle all questions of blame and justice and fairness...But it does allow relationships to start over. In that way, said Solzhenitsyn, we differ from all animals. It is not our capacity to think that makes us different, but our capacity to repent, and to forgive.
Philip Yancey

Looking back on those years of wasted co-existence, I realized one rather disheartening fact:
During those years of 'doing time' in my marriage, Satan spent more time/effort trying to sabatoge my marriage than I spent fighting for it and investing in it.

When it came down to the "Last stand" so to speak, we made an appointment to see our pastor. As we went on to explained how both of us are tired of being hurt, both fed up with the other, each pointing fingers, spewing hurtful words and proclaiming in all the ugliness of pride and unforgiveness "I do not deserve THIS!" Our pastor stopped us short and without us even realizing at the time, shared with us the secret to a happy marriage. While the dream of a happy marriage died alongside our ability to forgive quite a while back, here was someone sitting in front of us that was not going to allow Satan to steal kill and destroy one more marriage. Someone willing to fight harder for our marriage's weakened and thready pulse, that either of us were. He did so by simply asking one very LOADED question.
"Given the fact that ALL you have been entrusted with is because of God and the very fact that you are breathing right now, is a result of God sending His son to die on a cross for you, WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU DESERVE?"
Both of us, with heads hanging low and eyes fixed on the floor in shame, answered much like a child..... "Nu-thing"
It didn't end there though..... further explaination chewing-out was necessary to turn our shame & self-sorrow into God-centered repentance.
"The penalty for sin is death and both of you are deciding to live in sin due to a lack of repentance! What you deserve is death, so everything on top of DEATH is a cake walk....... a gift from the Lord. In order for a person to really LIVE, the flesh MUST die. Stay where you are in your stench of pride, self-will and arrogance and this will be the legacy of your failed marriage that you will pass on to your children..... OR you can make a choice today to crucify your flesh and breath NEW life into your marriage!"

The proof that you love someone is not that you have warm affectionate feelings toward them. The proof is in your actions, your words and your sacrifice, your willingness to give the best of yourself and your willingness to get nothing in return.
Katherine Walden

Praise God for people who have the courage to hiold you accountable to God's word! For people who will fight fervently & prayerfully on your behalf when you are too foolish to do so yourself! So thus began a new chapter in our marriage. No more co-existing together but clinging to each other while choosing death so that we may grow and have an abundant marriage. While we are in no way perfect, our relationship only grows deeper and gets better with time. When we both have our eyes fixed on the Lord, everything else falls into place! We are learning together, year after year, how to better die as individuals.

The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but we must live with a character.
Peter Devries

Many of you who know my hubby can laugh at this as he is quite the character. I thought he was a one of a kind till I met Sarah. Now that I see Sarah's 'twin' (Abby) develop more of his personality, I am almost out-numbered! So glad that the Lord is able to use characters like us to point others to the Lord.

Eve was not taken out of Adam's head to top him, neither out of his feet to be trampled on by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected by him, and near his heart to be loved by him.
Matthew Henry

This last quote is very poinant to me. John has never been an overbearing man even though he married a fairly head strong woman. Once God allowed me to see the protection provided me through submission, it is a much easier road. Although my flesh likes to tempt me to be equal or above him, the result is acheiving such a status, is loneliness. It is a pursuit of individualism rather than a partnership of cohesion. God has genuinely given me a man that has stood the test of time. I thank the Lord that He has seen us through these past 12 years. I pray that if the Lord tarries, we have many more years of growing more in love with one another as we actively seek to pursue all that the Lord has in store for us! Many Blessings & Hugs my friends!

When the Lord speaks...

God has been really working with me to let Him lead my day rather than being a slave to my 'schedule'...........

I remember a time when I was chatting with a friend from church when we lived back in WA. She came up to me so excited. She said "Guess what?" Seeing the excitement in her eyes I though what she had to say was gonna be BIG! With great enthusiasm she shared that she found some drapes. This excitement was not just about drapes so keep reading. You see, when she was having her quiet time with the Lord that morning, He told her to go to Goodwill today. He gave her no explaination of why but just to go. When she walked in the front door of the Goodwill, there were the drapes that she had wanted! She had been wanting some drapes for a while but couldn't find ones at a good price. She was so tickled NOT because they were these awesome drapes but because God is just so sweet. HE knew that she wanted these and even though this probably wasn't even a 'high priority' on God's To Do list, He cared about the little things enough to tell her about this neat find! The fact is she could have said she was too tired and second guessed herself, but she was obedient. Funny how the Lord cares enough to send you somewhere with no explanation and then just BLESS YOUR SOCKS OFF with the reason why. That He knows us so well and is always looking for ways to show us His love! Sometimes we are just too busy going about our day to yield to His blessings!

God reminded me of this story the other day when I too had one of these moments. We have a pretty good scedule going in the morning for our routine. My middle child, Abby is usually my first one at the breakfast table with all her chores done. She tends to wake up with a bit more spring in her step than everyone else. However, this morning she doddled a little longer than usual. After everyone finishes breakfast we all come out to the living room for morning devotions, but Abby was still not done with breakfast. Usually I wouldn't begin without her but I knew she would be a while so the Lord told me to go on without her. I didn't wait for her and we continued with devotions. Abby got done with breakfast about the same time we were done with devotions so I asked Michaela and Ben to begin with their schoolwork so I could talk with Abby. I asked if she would like to do devotions in her room this morning since she missed out and she said yes.

After about 20 minutes passed Abby came running into the room all excited. Her face was so radiant with joy. She explained "Guess what mom, I heard Jesus's voice! I was just reading my bible for a while and praying asking Him to help me with my day and I HEARD HIM! He said "Do good and I will help you!" I asked her what she thought that meant. Without skipping a beat, she explained that "When I get frustrated with my school work the Lord wants me to ask Him for help!"

Generally I do not like it when we get off schedule....... however, for some reason that morning even before knowing what the Lord was doing, the schedule wasn't a big deal. TOTALLY GOD! Just the fact that God did this in my heart, was very cool. God made an appointment with my daughter to hear his voice!

God has a plan daily for our lives. I know there are possibly many times in which I have thwarted the Lord's plan to do awesome things because I was too wrapped up in my daily TO DO lists. In this day and age, there are so many distractions available to drown out the voice of God and His daily plans for us that we slip into cruise control rather than asking Him. We know that His plans are so much greater, so much more rewarding, with our best interest at heart, but my flesh seems to grip onto 'business as usual' when I am unaware. If we chose to embrace it, this abundant life that only comes from the Lord, can't help but spill onto those around us. Just as my Abby's radiance was contagious when she heard His voice, a day planned by the Lord is just as contagious. A day such as this radiates with an earthly glimpse of the eternal. A reality check to what is really important.

The enemy has enough ammunition/distractions to keep the Lord from speaking purpose & direction into our days. God is a gentlemen and will not go where He is not wanted. If your schedule is too jam packed to allow God to have his way with your schedule/plan/day, I ask you to reconsider your commitments. Even a bunch of 'good things', even some that are God-centered, can be a distraction from allowing God to weave together a masterpiece of appointments for His Glory. It is so easy to slip into cruise control doing what we have always done, sacrificing the God-opportunities He has in store. Where man focuses on getting through the day and the successes of this frail life, God focuses on the eternity he has placed in our hearts.

There is just so much more that the Lord has been speaking to me about as of late but since these ladies did such a wonderful job explaining than I could just read here:
What we really need by Amy's Finer Things
Courtney at Women Living Well reminds us moms of what is really important by challenging us to examine the question What Do your children think of you
Kristen shares some pretty humbling statistics over at We Are That Family that you just can't read without it affecting the next time you spend a dollar.


Many Blessings!

Pregnant

Sorry to disappoint you but if you clicked on my blog in anticipation of a pregnancy announcement, sadly that is no longer possible. However, much of what we are anticipating in the upcoming year is much like process of pregnancy and the anticipation of expecting a baby. The only difference between a real pregnancy and what we are 'birthing' is the fact that with babies, there is an actual due date.

As the task at hand is becoming more and more apparent, there is much preparation in store for what the Lord is doing. There are a lot of emotions, expectations and anticipation to see God do what He does best, as we try not to insert ourselves and screw it all up. I remember being pregnant with each one of my children and being told what is the best things avoid (caffeine was my addiction) and to take my vitamins, eat healthy and drink plenty of water. Due to the complications of each pregnancy there were plenty more DO's and DO NOT's on those lists but each one of these instructions were there to benefit & protect the best interest my baby and myself.
In the same manner we are being instructed to prepare, anticipate and wait expectantly on the work the Lord is putting together.
~To grow together as a strong family unit so that when adversity comes we can count on the Lord and each other to get through. So that when one of us falls the others will be standing to help them up.
~To teach, instruct, model & build up our kids in their faith so that they too can become co-laborers in the work that God has for us.
~To be diligent in keeping our cups filled so that they may be poured out and used at a moments notice.
~To rest now because once the work has started there will be a time of business where our bodies and minds will be spent as we pour out what is supplied continually.
~To be wise with the stewardship God is providing so that if there is a season of hardship for our area, we can be a witness to those around us by providing for needs not being met.

It is so awesome to watch the beauty of comradery that women posess when a first-time mom announces her pregnancy. The immediate reaction is a whirlwind of planning by all those that love and care for her. What I experienced and have seen in many other of my friends is that, all the other moms around her begin taking note and anticipating her needs! Many go home and find things that they don't use anymore and pass along to her. There is a nesting instict that comes out in women all around her in order to help her transition to motherhood be a smooth one. An infectious joy, support and excitement is in the air during this time!

In the same manner, people around us, most not even knowing what God is doing, have given us things. For example, Abby is doing vision therapy at our eye Dr.'s office twice a week to improve her ability to read. He knows we homeschool but has no idea of anything else about us. This week he asked if we had any use for an overhead projector. He had just bought a new one and decided to give this one away and thought of us. I was floored. I hadn't even thought about this as a need but a major luxury! As always, God sees a way to meet a need, even before we can see it as such. He uses those around us, totally unaware, to meet them. I came home with it and John just grinned thankfully.

Our home is another example of this. Although I feel rather guilty for having such an amazingly huge blessing, God has shown us how it is only an extension of things HE wants to do out here. That our home is going to be a safe haven for people who are weary where they can experience a time of refreshment.

Just as a new mom can only fathom what being a mom is like and can only guess at how this will forever change her, we are in the same boat. What God has in store is a huge masterpiece and while we can only imagine the what's, when's, why's and how's, there is a solice in knowing that He has it all taken care of. Just as the mom has really nothing to do with the beauty that transforms inside her womb we too, have only a TINY responsibility in what God is working out. We are only to follow His leading in the everyday, so that we can be in the right place at the right time obeying as we watch how He pulls it all together for His Glory.

Many folks have inquired about if we know WHY we are here. We do know some of the reasons that God has shared with us. However, because we don't have all the answers, this could make us discouraged or insecure, but we would rather choose reliance. Chosing reliance over any other tempting train of thought makes us cling to the Lord for His lead. While our lives are not filled with the comfort of an 'exact purpose' or 'detailed time lines', it stretches me (the planner) to find comfort in not knowing. After all, is it really important to have details or do they give us an artificial security in circumstances, rather than our Lord? While it makes me uncomfortable to say "I don't know why," it does cause me to be more intentional with small and minute decisions. It has made me see the difference between a God-allowed choice rather than a God-designed choice. There are many things God will allow us to take part in that have absolutely no eternal value at all. Their rewards are temporal and more about keeping idol hands busy rather than glorifying the Lord. When I thought I had a pretty firm grasp on the game plan laid out and an understanding of my life, it was so easy to get caught up in the eventual monotony of 'cruise control'? Because I have the benefit of NOT knowing what next year will look like, it makes me more intentional about praying before committing my time energy and resources to anything. God Bless all!

20 something......

God put it on my heart today to highlight this blogger at Amazima ministries.
What she writes is not necessarily a feel good type of message. Don't we American Christians hear enough of that junk already? I love that about her! She is blunt, honest and revealing here.
Miss Katie is wise beyond her years as she continues to follow God's plan for her life rather than her own. She is an amazing imperfect 20 something year old young woman in in Africa caring for orphans ALL BY HERSELF!

I am not sure what you were contemplating in your late teens and early 20's but I confess my contemplations were quite shallow. They went along the lines of many American's these days who don't see much beyond their own comfortable lives and family units. While it is not wrong to seek the Lord regarding everything that pertains to our lives and He encourages us to do this, is this your only focus? Unfortunately, at this point of my life it was really "all about me" rather than taking on a more global world view.

~ What do I want to be when I 'grow up'?
~ When will I meet the man I will marry?
~ When will I have kids?

In my many hours of prayer asking these things of the Lord and not much else, He did at one point granted me 'children'. Even in my luke warm "what about me" prayers, God fulfilled one of those desires. Not because I was ready, prepared, equipped or 'special' but because He used whatever limited resources of my obedience to reach beyond my wants and needs. He used this desire to get my focus off myself so that I could reach out to troubled teens at a youth ranch to work with trouble teen by being a dorm mom to them. This was an amazing yet challenging point in my walk with Him. I no longer could do things on my own but NEEDED the Lord to fill me with his strength, wisdom and discernment daily. God drew me nearer to Himself so that I no longer "needed" the things that I used to pray for. Instead my prayers were focused on my girls, their hearts, their salvation, and lasting changes in their lives that would follow them into their own legacies.

Due to my self imposed limitations/comforts, God did use what He could.......... but I wonder sometimes about how much more I could have been used if God had not been limited! You see, unlike Ms. Katie, I had and still struggle with too much self-focus. We sometimes can't see past my own comfort or schedule to even ask the Lord if He has something bigger in mind.

While it is not 'wrong' to seek the Lord to meet your needs, that word need is so superficial. So many people have way more than they NEED yet we are always asking for MORE. Time is so short here on this earth and many unsuspecting GOOD people are going to hell. Yet, so much of the church is stuck in a self-indulgent rut. SO busy occupying time with the external while wasting valuable resources on things that have no eternal value. So busy in the daily grind, that we seem to forget that WE are not the only people on the planet. Satan has us so distracted with our own selfish ambitions that we don't see people to the left or right perishing....... When I read of Ms. Katie over in Africa she challenges me to look outside my own comfort. So I challenge you, what are you put on this earth to do? Have you ever asked the Lord if He has something bigger in store for you? Are you ready to count the cost if He tells you HIS plans for you or your family include giving up __________? Many of us live mundane and uneventful lives because we do not allow God to really be LORD OF ALL. We fill slots of time with business to avoid hearing from the Lord. We are too busy telling Him what we can handle rather than asking Him to give us the ability to handle ALL that He has in store for us!

Make sure to pause my music on the side bar to hear this song. Here is an amazing video that explains a little about Katie's passion:


Lyrics are as follows:

I am sitting still
I think of Angelique
Her mother's voice over me
And the bullets in the wall where it fell silent

And on a thousandth hill
I think of Albertine
There in her eyes what I don't see
With my own

Rwanda

[Chorus]
Now that I have seen
I am responsible
Faith without deeds is dead
Now that I have held you
In my own arms
I cannot let go 'till you are

No no, yeah

And I am on a plane
Across a distant sea
But I carry you in me
And in the dust on, the dust on, the dust on, the dust on
The dust on my feet

Rwanda

Now that I have seen
I am responsible
Faith without deeds is dead
Now that I have held you
In my own arms
I cannot let go 'till you are

I will tell the world
I will tell them where I've been
I will keep my word
I will tell them, Albertine

Rwanda

Now that I have seen
I am responsible
Faith without deeds is dead
Now that I have held you
In my own arms
I cannot let go 'till you are

Mmm

And I am on a stage
A thousand eyes on me
I will tell them, Albertine
I will tell them, Albertine

Some questions you may ask yourself based on these lyrics:

What have we SEEN that we are NOW responsible to act upon? Is your faith too dead to act?

Are you willing to obey whatever calling the Lord has in store?

Is our salvation used to further the Kingdom, or an inclusion that focuses on self?

How can the experiences God has allowed in our lives be effectively utilized?

"Bad will be the day for every man when he becomes absolutely contented with the life he is leading, with the thoughts he is thinking, with the deeds he is doing; when there is not forever beating at the doors of his soul some great desire to do something larger, which he knows that he was meant and made to do because he is still, in spite of all, the child of God." Phillips Brooks