HERE IN YOUR PRESENCE

If you are reading this through your e-mail inbox you will have to click onto the blog site to see the above video (I think)?

I am working on a couple posts about my testimony but in the mean time I have some very cool news! We were finally licensed for foster parenting last Wednesday. We were warned that we may just get a call the same day but instead we got a call the next day.

It was just for respite care. The definition of respite care is basically extended babysitting. Something a foster parent can ask for this in order to go out of town or if they just need a breather, yet have their foster child still maintain visits with biological relatives and continue school attendance. Our first visitors that came into our home was a 4 year old boy who shared Ben's birthday and a 12 month old little girl. Your heart would melt if I could show you a picture of how precious they are. They visited with us for 4 days. Ben and the boy celebrated their birthdays together on October 30th which was very sweet. The boy was quite well adjusted but the little girl was very clingy to me. Praise God she would also be fine if one of the girls kept her company as well.

When we arrived at church on Sunday this was one of the worship songs that was sung. Knowing how much this little girls had clung to me over the days that we had her, I couldn't help but realize she had a fear of people leaving her. She shead a lot of tears when that fear would come to surface. I couldn't help but tear up when the lyrics of this song were brought to a fresh perspective.

"Found in your hands fullness of joy every tear suddenly wiped away, here in your presence"

We are entering a world where there is a lot of fear, tears and pain. We are taking on this pain in no other way but because Jesus calls us to enter in to suffering of the weak.... to carry their burden with a self-less love. (Rom 15:1-6)

It is interesting the responses I get from people who see our extra brood. Many of whom tell me "I don't know how you do it. I could never do that!" Although we are still in the honeymoon stage of this, it is easy to respond...... Our faith in Christ calls us to die so that we might have an abundant life. We simply can not expect to live an exponential life of faith when we decide to keep fear in our back pocket. Fear of heart-break, fear of failure, fear of loss, fear of the unknown, fear of the loss of control. Fear keeps us from making too big a risk, relinquishes life abundant in trade for the shackles of complacency. It is when we yield unto death to self and possibly enter into pain, that the boldness of Christ diminishes fear that once held us captive.

The most awesome thing the Lord reminded me of lately was from the OT when the leader of the Isrealites would loose the ability to carry the burden alone, God told them to gather up support for themselves, to encourage them to keep going. In Numbers 11:16-18 and Deuteronomy 1:11-13 he tells us that there is wisdom and great strength in numbers. Surrounding ourselves with people who will share our burden for these kids is exactly where we have been blessed in our church family! No shortage of showering these kids with the love of Christ and offering to help us if we say the word! We also look forward to Grandma & Grandpa moving in down the street from us come January as well.

Our first visitors went back to their foster parent today but now there is another little one visiting with us for about a week. A precious little girl who is a tad bit medically fragile but thriving in spite of her humble beginnings. The kids all seem to be enjoying someone to dote on. We continue to covet your prayers as we continue this process. Babysitting (respite) is the easy part. It is when there becomes a permanent placement that we will need to cling to Jesus's promises rather than let the fear of "what if" haunt us.

PS. For those of you who are interested in the adoption process through foster care I may need to move this to a blog that will be marked private. I do this so I have the ability to share things that normally may not be able to be as public. This blog can be viewed by anyone where as the foster care blog would only be open to invited readers. I will keep you up to date on that when I have the time to invest in another pondering place!

Sympathy is no substitute for action

This was a quote spoken by David Livingstone that described our family's presentation for this morning.


Sympathy is no substitute for action. David Livingstone


Our children are apart of a co-op where each family is required to give an oral presentation in front of all the other families to share about something regarding their family. Since we are in the process to adopt AND Orphan Sunday is this week, we decided to share a little bit about what we have discovered on the journey. Here is the informal speech the kids and I shared with our group.

Abby
About 4 in 10 Americans have considered adopting a child at one time in their lives. This equates to about 81.5 million adults. There are 150,000 children in foster care awaiting a couple willing to accept them as their forever family. These children would all have a family to call their own TODAY, if only 1 out of these 500 adults, who considered adoption, actually pursued and completed the adoption process. (National Adoption Attitudes Survey, June 2002)

500,000 children are in need to be loved & understood by caring foster parents due to a painful event that caused them to be taken away from their real mom & dad.

Ben
Worldwide, 15 million children have lost both their father and mother.

Tens of millions more do not have a FATHER in their lives.

Every 18 seconds a child becomes an orphan.

Every 15 seconds a child looses one parent to AIDS.

Michaela
Orphans are more at risk of becoming victims of violence, abuse, exploitation and trafficking.

Please allow me to share with you some common myths about adoption

Myth: Adoption is only for people who can’t have children of their own.
Reality: It is a logical belief that, by default alone, this is who may be ‘best suited’ for adoption. However, this is not the way the Lord works. When the church entertains this assumption, we in turn, reject God’s heart. There are over 40 scriptures in the Old Testament that show God's concern and compassion for orphans. If we are to put on the mind of Christ, we too, would share in his heart for orphans, seeking Him in how we can serve the least of these.

Myth: Adoptees are more likely to be troubled than biological children
Reality: Research shows that adoptees are as well-adjusted as their non-adopted peers.

Myth: Adoption is outrageously expensive therefore putting it out of reach for most one income families.
Reality: Through the foster care system, adoption is virtually free. Plus there is a state subsidy & medical insurance that continues after the adoption is final, that provides for the child till they are 18. The tax credits put in place for people who adopt, fully reimburse MOST adoption expenses! Simply put, adoptions are often, no more expensive than giving birth. Yet, strangely enough, one expense is favorable and the other is beyond your reach. There is a sad truth that is never considered when talking about this dollar amount. God loves ALL kids. They are each a PRICELESS masterpiece of his creation. His heart’s desire for each orphan is to be cared for, loved and cherished. God is not up in heaven struggling with how He can provide his church with enough money to care for them all. It is very clear in scripture that He is awesome at providing for our needs and that He owns the cattle on a thousand hills. If He is calling you to do something, there is no such thing as an amount of money too great to meet the needs of God’s kids.

Myth: Parents can’t love an adopted child in the same way or as much as a biological child.
Reality: Love and attachment are NOT the result of, or guaranteed through, blood relation. The intensity of bonding and depth of emotion are the same regardless of how the child joins their family.

Abby
While many Christians give a ‘good reason’ why they do not feel called to orphan care, most reasons when stripped away, have more to do with fear than living out and seeking God’s heart for the orphan. As much as we might not want to admit it, many of us don’t like to think about orphans because, frankly, we’re scared of them. There is no doubt, orphan care can be risky. These kids need to be raised up, to be taught, to be hugged, and to be heard. Children who have been traumatized often need more love, attention and care than we ever thought we could give. It is so much easier to ignore those cries, however, true love of any kind is risky. The Gospel shows us that this self-sacrificing love is all worth it. God modeled it, even to the point of sending His son to die for us so that we may see eternity. As X-orphans ourselves, God had our eternity in mind when He created our forever home. The price of that sacrifice was great, however, it was priceless to Him because we are His kids.
My Part
In looking through the eyes of our children we model for them, God’s heart. Such an amazing & crucial responsibility. There comes a day when our kids SEE for the first time, what we have learned to ignore. Their hearts break when they SEE pictures of less fortunate children in the world. In response, we must bridge the gap of geography. These other children go to bed hungry, isolated from people who truly love them, and endure deplorable living conditions. With tender hearts, they wonder with uncertainty “Do you know about this?” conjoined with another thought, “What are we going to do about this?” Big questions for tiny hearts to grasp! It is inquired upon with such profound wisdom and a lively faith that inactivity should not be a choice. Their need to seek out justice for ALL of God’s kids, just bursts with possibility of a faith so large it must be cultivated.
Research has shown at ages 2 through 10, we validate or suppress their understanding of injustice by our action or idleness. If we chose to act, we show God’s love and compassion for ALL children and rightly reflect God’s heart. At this age and with their amazing childlike faith, it is not acceptable for life to be so hard, unfair or uncertain. When they are constantly told that the problem is too big and they are too small, this kind of ignorance fuels apathy.
By Jr high they become numb to the angst of injustice that was once so active within their hearts. Their desire to seek out God’s heart for the orphan is silenced by adults who have become numb themselves to the plight of orphans.
Once this continues into high school, friends, self-absorption, activities and other meaningless entertainment are utilized to drown out the cry. As you can clearly see, we must begin modeling this compassion at an early age in order for it to take effect.
If we ignite a fire in the hearts of the next generation to prevent them from becoming apathetic, ignorant and numb to the plight of orphans, we will accomplish great strides in instilling God’s heart & compassion for all his children. Gods most basic commandments are at the heart of orphan care.
Love the Lord your God with all your heart with all your soul with all your mind, with all your strength AND Love your neighbor as yourself.
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As Orphan Sunday is being celebrated this Sunday at many churches all across the country please pray for people to rise up and get that stirring in their heart. Not all orphan care is about adoption & foster care. Sometimes your part may look different but it will accomplish a common goal.

~ Just being a consistent person in a child's unstable life is a huge contribution.
~ Supporting a child in a 3rd world country where they can stay with the family that loves them is substantial.
~ Filling a shoebox for Samaritan's purse is an awesome gift to an orphan to show them the love of Christ.
~Being a cheerleader for those that are in the process or have adopted is an imperative part of the re-integration.
~Taking mission trips to orphanages in foreign countries is a way of seeking to comfort the many orphans.

If you want to remain apathetic & unaffected by the plight of God's forgotten kids that is between you and the Lord. There isn't much God can do with a hard heart. On the contrary,
God can do anything with a soft and moldable heart. He is the only one who knows how you are to play apart in orphan care IF you are willing to serve! However, He is a gentleman and will not demand you to do anything that you are grudgeful about or unwilling to do.

Why Adoption.... part 4

Picking up where I left off with tiring of the whole "No Answer" business, this got us asking the Lord what we were missing. I am not sure what others do when they seek & only hear the silence of no answer, but we have always been taught that it is, what it is. That no answer doesn't mean NO, or a 'closed door' but yet an opportunity to seek out the character of God by losing more of self. Since we KNOW God does want to give direction in everything, we see it as a sign that there is something that may be a hindrance towards hearing the answer. A familiar war between the flesh and spirit that must be taken to the feet of Jesus for further examination.
Psalm 139:23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; 24 And see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

We began praying for the Lord to empty us. To begin to see HIS adoption through HIS eyes and not jaded by our experiences, information or preferences.
I don't know about you but I have countless instances of experiencing this familiar silence. When God is moving in any area of my life, He must first break through my pre-conceived what if's and possible 'answers' and the flesh that wreaks with corruption. While God does want us to come to Him, expecting an answer, the contents of our hearts can presume too much of what His answer could be. Praise God that He sees us past our feeble, short-sighted point of view....... the kind of faith that has a very narrow and limited vision of what His perfect plan entails. If there was ever a song to speak volumes to this time of being deaf to His voice it would be this one by Sarah Groves.

During this time of silence was about the same time of the great earthquake in Haiti. There were reports of adoptions which were already in process, being expedited in order to get those children to safety. Then there were the other stories........ orphaned children coming to FLORIDA to be placed in temporary foster care until the country was stabilized. I probably spent a couple days spinning my wheels on the phone, on hold and making random contact with anyone who knew anything about the children coming into care. As with many other times where we get sidetracked from sitting at Jesus feet, this proved to be a venture of grasping at situational straws......... again to be met with hopes dashed because it was man-made without the providence of the Lord's direction.
Back to listening again....... with that emptiness and willingness, the Lord made clearer the path He had laid out for us. He confirmed it with this scripture in Acts 1: 4 Once when he was eating with them, he told them not to leave Jerusalem. He said, "Wait here to receive the promise from the Father which I told you about.
The context of the passage was actually in reference to them receiving the Holy Spirit, however, it was also in reference to the disciples asking where they should go to minster and tell of what the Lord had done. It was clear that he was instructing them to reach the people in their own neighborhood and this would then be a witness to those that God may also be calling.
What we do know is that we will be adopting through the state of Florida. In many of my previous attempts at 'doing my homework' regarding adoption, it was hard. People would not return phone calls, there was scheduling conflicts, ect. Where as once we received the green light, people would answer their phone, others would call back, concessions would be made so John and I could get the classes done separately but yet finish about the same time! Totally a God thing, since we didn't have local child care available to us. John and I have completed the classes to become certified to adopt so now it is just a process of getting in all of our paperwork, doing a homestudy and making minor modifications to the house to pass the homestudy.

The difference between the adoption of my niece and nephew and ours is that the state of Florida makes you chose between being a foster parent and an adoptive parent. Although the training for each is the same, they want people to know what their family can handle. Many who would get attached to easily and desire to adopt their foster children, could sabotage the re-unification process with the birth parents. Many foster parents DO become adoptive parents if the children in their care are not able to return home, however, they begin their journey with the hopes of reunifying children with their birth parents.

There is a website dedicated to Florida's waiting children called the Heart Gallery. I must admit that I have spent way too much time on there looking into the eyes of these children. My heart aches for them. It is overwhelming to SEE, knowing we are only ONE family. That we can't ease more of the uncertainty of these children....... just waiting. Many of whose hope has been extinguished more times than you or I have EVER experienced. SEE-ing is a motivator. Even if we can't take them all, I can commit to praying for more families to step up to the plate and love the unlovable. I can be a witness and not be silenced by people who do not want to SEE.

We have put an age parameter to our adoption but there is no real number limitation with the exception of what our house can hold...... Meaning we would take a sibling group if the state says our home is 'big enough'. So as we prepare for whatever comes our way I will probably be blogging a little bit here and there but lacking specific details until things become final.

PLEASE be praying for our hearts. One of the reasons we know the Lord was not directing us towards fostercare was due to the attachment of our children. They can spend one day with someone and consider them a best friend forever. The Lord knows this about them and so in His sweet way, He knows that anyone who comes to live here would not be able to be sent away. This would be too heart-wrenching. So as we review case files (without the kids) SEEing is an unforgettable experience. While John is excellent at discernment, I seem to lack this when it comes to kids without a mom & dad! Please pray for us as we complete all of our paperwork & seek the Lord to determine who we will be adding to our family! Thanks!

Why Adoption? part 3

Sorry, I am backing up a bit........ but this is part of our journey and our determination for why we are following this path that the Lord has laid out for us.

About a couple years prior to Benjamen's birth, my brother and sister-in-law were being drawn to the calling of becoming foster parents. This was WAY before there was an awareness or organized "Orphan Ministries" in the church and prior to Christians taking their call to care for the fatherless seriously. Many of the folks at our church just smiled inquisitively when my brother and sister-in-law had an opportunity to share what they were being lead to do. To be honest, I was no help to this either. While I wanted what was best for their family in any calling, I worked with Foster kids in DCF's care, for a period of time between 1991 - 1995. Being a witness to the lack of support systems & resources available to foster parents while knowing my brother was working with many of their parents in jail, it just didn't 'make sense' to put their family at risk. Although, working with the kind of children than came into DCF care very wounded, it was an optimal situation to place them in the care of their stable, loving and consistent home and show them Jesus. PRAISE GOD they continued in this calling and DIDN'T listen to my concerns!

Worldy wisdom/knowledge can be more of a hindrance towards obeying the Lord, than having a blind, hopeful & undefiled faith. Moving forward, knowing that God has your back is way more important than having all the 'experience' or information.

They did have a couple kids in and out of their home. There was one temporary placement that stayed with them for a time but then went back home. They also had done some respite care for other foster parents. A couple weeks prior to Benjamen's birth they got a call to take into care a set of siblings that were 3 years and 6 months old. What sweet little ones God had placed in their home. It was great fun to watch them interact with my children who were around the same age. They came from a Spanish speaking home into a home that only knew English. Obviously the 3 year old was very withdrawn...... that is until she met her new 'best friends.'

It would be putting it mildly if I didn't admit to feelings of despair, frustration and helplessness watching the 3 year court battle to determine WHEN to terminate parental rights. Hearing my sister-in-law speak of the mandatory visits, voice her concerns about the times when they had to physically put the children in a car kicking and screaming to go for a visitation, was absolutely heart-wrenching. Especially as these sweet children were being grafted into part of our family. Although there was a Happily Ever After outcome to those 3 years of turmoil, John and I both decided that kind of journey to adoption was NOT for us! Too much heartache, too much sacrifice! There would be no way we could EVER do THAT! RIGHT?

After the adoption of my niece and nephew was official, we began coming into contact with people just like us (middle income families without an abundance), that were feeling lead to adopt. An official 'adoption ministry' was still not formed till a couple years later, however, quite a few families at our church were being lead to adopt. What they all had in common was the desire to please the Lord in everything. Most did not advertise what they were doing to avoid discouragement from fellow believers that were ignorant to the blessing of adoption. It was at this point that we were introduced to the many other methods of adoption.

~One such couple, also learning from watching my brother and sister-in-law, began the process of adopting legally free children from a neighboring state.

~Another couple WAS 'shouting from the rooftops' that they were seeking to adopt a sibling group internationally from Ethiopia. They were not done having children of their own but KNEW that the Lord had some amazing kids in Ethiopia that were not yet in their forever home.

~A third couple was beginning their journey through doing foster care, but ultimately adopted internationally.

With each instance of hearing from people that were actively pursuing adoption, this only ignited our desire too. One of the biggest myths of International adoption is: "IT IS TOO EXPENSIVE". While this is true, this is a statement that refuses to have faith in the providence of God and to understand God's heart towards adoption.
SEEING people just like us (no extra money or savings accounts in excess), being provided with funds that could ONLY come from the Lord was remarkable. It was similar to what the disciples must have felt when seeing 5 loaves and 3 fish feed the 5000 people and collect leftovers afterward. Our God is so big! With each instance of international adoption looking attainable, this seemed like an AWESOME witnessing opportunity. An amazing testimony to us frail, faithless people, that ANYTHING really is possible when it is a God thing. Money is never any obstacle to the Lord when He has plans to give orphans the forever family they need and the forever family the opportunity to experience God's adoptive/redemptive heart for us. So we prayed for God to move miraculously in our lives through the means of international adoption.

Fast forward now to after we move to Florida. During our first year we had no contact with anyone who was adopting, unless it was reading blogs from people in our home church family who were in the process of international adoption. In rejoicing in their 'Gotcha days', we would seek the Lord to petition Him. We wanted to know WHERE we should pursuit adoption so we could get this going........ By this time we even had the kids seeking the Lord regarding where and to give them the opportunity to pray for their future sibling(s). Yet we were not getting ANY answers. Since we became very familiar with our friends who were adopting internationally and hoped/assumed this would be the way the Lord would lead us too, we answered a radio ad from a local woman who had adopted with CWA. She was setting up informal meetings to introduce people to the world of International adoption. We came home with a load of information that included a country list. We prayed over each one of the counties and again NOTHING.


To be continued.........

Why Adoption? Part 2 Disqualified

*Disclaimer: My hubby reads EVERY post before it goes out. As the head of our household, he is my editor, so that I do not share too little or too much of what he would prefer. This next part is mostly about him, but please understand that I do have his approval to share this. God is a God of redemption. If He can't use our past to help others, then there is no good that can come of it.
2 Corinthians 1:3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

On that note, this is where our story continues........

Due to my health not ever 'returning to normal', we could barely see past this fact to even consider adopting in the present/future. Approximately a year after my health began improving, we began the process trying to sell our home, by owner. We knew that our current house was full and had no room for any additional children. At the same time we also felt the Lord nudging us to a different area nearby. The process of selling was taking much longer than expected and due to the stress of this, my health regressed a little bit. However, this was able to be remedied with meds and taking better care of myself.

At about the same time, my dear hubby went through a deep phase of anger. It was a bit more than just a bad day at work or being grouchy because of his shift work. There was a deeper root that neither he nor I could figure out what was troubling him. We sought out a dear couple from church to mentor us through this time. We began going through a bible study on marriage with them and discussing the chapters. After about half way through the book, it was the Holy Spirit that revealed to the gentleman, the reason behind John's anger.

Hebrews 12:15See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

When John and I were going through pre-marriage counseling there were parts of his past that he didn't want to share with me. That I would just have to accept the fact that he could not tell me about his "Before Jesus" days. My DH didn't come to the Lord until he was 32 years old so there was a bit of past deeds that were done the 'world's way'. He didn't want those past decisions to cause me to respect him less or see him in a different light. After all, since asking the Lord into his heart he was now a new creation, what is the point in dwelling in the past? At the time he was unaware of the verse in Hebrews that said it was difficult to bear this root alone. Due to the burden of hiding his past and the condemnation that it held over him, he was no longer able to maintain the burden. Instead it was coming out where he least wanted it to. Our mentor told him once he 'came clean' with everything and was able to speak freely about the past, there would no longer be a reason for this anger to reside in his heart and spill out on the people he loved most.

So when we got home that evening, he shared the burdens of his heart.

At the tender age of 15 my hubby conceived a child out of wedlock, with his girlfriend. It was shortly after the death of his father that this occurred where he was grieving and 'looking for love in all the wrong places'. Once her family found out she was pregnant they didn't tell anyone. One day she was 'sent away'. My hubby's best friend, her brother, wouldn't tell him anything about where she went or how she was doing. She and her family decided that the best thing for them to do would be to send her to a unwed mothers home during her pregnancy, so the child could be placed up for adoption. Due to the circumstances, this was tremendously wise. My hubby was informed of what had taken place when she returned to her home after being gone for 9 months. After a while, the nagging uncertainty subsided into buried guilt/shame.

OK, here is where I come off as the totally understanding wife! NOT! I don't 'beat around the bush' really well........ After finding this out, I remember uncontrollably blurting out certain questions in a kind and loving not so delicate fashion:
*How could you have a kid out there and NOT know where she is?
*Do you want to know if she is OK?
*Do you think she may want to know WHY she was placed for adoption?
*She needs to know her medical history!
*Have you ever thought about trying to locate her?

Such a compassionate response, I know. Maybe you are able to handle mysterious biological children better than I, OR possibly you do not have the same foot in mouth disease I do? ;o) While these were all things he had considered, in order to seek out the answers, you must prayerfully ask the Lord if this was something He wanted for all those involved. John was conflicted....... His heart and DNA cried out for answers, but there is an also that underlying guilt/condemnation when satan whispers in your ear 'YOU DON'T DESERVE TO KNOW'. Although his birth daughter was very much an adult now and he had wanted to locate her, making yourself available to be found came with so many unknowns.
How would this effect our family?
How do I explain to my kids that they have a sibling so much older than them?
What if this person has a horrible childhood because of me?
What if she hates me?
Will the truth be too painful a reality to re-live in order to find her?

Although many of these unknowns were paralyzing at times, he still wanted to find her. Even if it was to just let her know that when SHE was ready to chat, here was his information. Due to the complexity of an emotional roller coaster that this had caused in his life, I knew it would be hard for him to have the perseverance to find her. I asked him if I could do the searching for him and he agreed that this would be the best.


Long story short, we did find her parents in 2004 but it was right after Hurricane Charlie hit Florida. Her parent home was hit rather hard so they had been staying at a hotel while it was being repaired. Once they did receive John's letter, she e-mailed us first. Then they spoke over the phone. A couple years would pass before we got the opportunity to meet her face to face. If you haven't already, you can read about that here with It all started with a simple vacation.

Contemplating adoption when you have been on the other side of the spectrum (a birth parent), can be irreconcilable without God's healing power of redemption. Satan's lies would tell you that your life before Christ, disqualifies you from being on the blessing/receiving end of adoption. It wasn't till after this battle with his prior adoption story that he could even consider being blessed by adopting someone else's child. To Be Continued.......

Why Adoption? Part 1

Those of you that know us well, know that we have a heart for adoption. This was not always the case for us. Since we are embarking on the road to adoption I figured it may be helpful to share the reason how and why we came to have this passion.

No where in the bible does it say, "If you follow me and obey my instructions, everything will go PERFECT." Instead it says.....

Matthew 16:24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. 25 If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. 26 And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?

I Samuel 15:22 ......."Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD ? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams. 23 For rebellion is like the sin of divination, and arrogance like the evil of idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the LORD, he has rejected you as king."

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

1 Peter 1:3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. In God's great mercy he has caused us to be born again into a living hope, because Jesus Christ rose from the dead.4 Now we hope for the blessings God has for his children. These blessings, which cannot be destroyed or be spoiled or lose their beauty, are kept in heaven for you.5 God's power protects you through your faith until salvation is shown to you at the end of time.6 This makes you very happy, even though now for a short time different kinds of troubles may make you sad.7 These troubles come to prove that your faith is pure. This purity of faith is worth more than gold, which can be proved to be pure by fire but will ruin. But the purity of your faith will bring you praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is shown to you.

On the premise, as Christians, we are not to expect the 'perfect life', this is where our journey begins.
I can remember a time when Benjamen was just a couple months old when my dear husband brought up a very touchy subject with me. He told me it was time for him to have a Vasectomy. While he was no where near demanding my consent, he was pleading for my agreement.
Please understand, this wasn't just your 'typical' reason for being done. We had always talked about having a large family. While 3 kids under the age of 5 was stressful at times, I knew that God had a plan in mind for us! Usually the reasons people are 'done' having children usually fall into one of these categories:
~ "I can't handle any more kids"
~ "__ is enough"
~ "We have __ girl(s) and ___ boy(s) so now we can be done"
~ I want to be done with kids by the time I am ____ so I can enjoy my life again.

However, these were not our reasons....... His request was based with one purpose in mind. Preserving the safety of myself and our children. While my first pregnancy was rather normal, the last 2 had almost killed me. It was the providence of God that our children were born without some sort of birth defect. When you have a grand mal seizure while pregnant, the moms body cuts off the oxygen supply to the umbilical cord for the length of the seizure. Due to the deprivation of oxygen to the baby's brain and due to a flood of anti-convulsant medications that purged through their small bodies, we are very blessed that they didn't suffer serious injury.
Over the course of these years, my husband watched the healthy woman he married, just 4 1/2 years prior to this, become very sick. With each pregnancy, the hormones made a mild seizure disorder (petit mal) into something unable to be tamed even by the strongest medications. We used to have fair warning (aura) when the seizures were mild but now there was no warning at all. They continued to be longer in duration and more violent. The doctors warned, if we had any more children, the possibility of death or comma for me was probable.
Although I had all this information, the plans for a large family were dying and I didn't want to accept it. My hubby's intentions to protect the children we did have and give my body the ability to recover, didn't seem to sooth the permanence of co-erced infertility.
After all, I used to be the women who once thought she was going to "have it all"......... a career and 2.5 well adjusted children. I gave up the illusion of the American dream because God knows it would have destroyed me to chose this earthly fulfillment. INSTEAD, what gave me the most joy was being so blessed to bring children into this world and teach them about the Lord! To raise up world changers!

I went into my room to have a quiet time and PLEAD my case to the Lord. Through tears I began begging the Lord to change HIS heart. To heal me and allow us to have more children. Once my agenda was out there, the Lord began to soften my heart so that He could share His. Many tears were shed that day as I heard His still small voice mention the following subjects.......
Submission, Obedience, Sacrifice, Barren, Joy, Idolatry, Consequences of Disobedience, Fruitful, Hope......... and finally ADOPTION. As my heart strained to hear the painful words of conviction, it also clung to the hope of adoption. My heart and eyes welled up with tears as I shared these words the Lord had given me with my husband. Although I prayed for God to change his heart the one whose heart was changed was my own.
When a man is allowed the ability to truly LEAD his family, it is always a good thing that is pleasing to the Lord.
Grateful that I had chosen to agree with my his request, my hubby too agreed to the 'new plan' to complete our family. He, however, had no idea what this new plan meant for his future. Quite a few years would pass without uttering a word about adoption until it was brought up at a time out of context. To be continued.....