Memorials

This is a post that I wrote several years ago, before I began blogging. It was a journal entry from a place when God was doing a lot of cleaning house as he was peeling back the layers of my heart. I may share more journal entries of pre-blogging days as they can be great memorials of God's never-ending grace and unrelenting pursuit of us as His bride.

To make a long story short of why this old post is now relevant, a series of unfortunate events have transpired. Have you ever wanted to 'forget' about allowing God to do something in your heart because it meant this left you vulnerable to be hurt? These events made me so want to shrink back to the days before He began softening/melting away the layers of hurt that served to shield my heart. A time where, at the Lord's leading, my heart spilled out and I fell on the rock begging Him to help me trust Him in order to become vulnerable enough to trust others. It was a time of healing and restoration. Despite what has currently taken place to make me want to 'go back' and cling to old patterns of my flesh, God beckons once again. My heart pours out as I beg God to help restore my trust in others. God is sovereign and as He has proven over and over again, his promises are loving, true, and for my benefit. So for those of you wondering what the Lord is doing with our family, we are rebuilding memorials of His faithfulness, His provision and asking Him to restore the very clear direction we once had for this city where we live.

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Joshua 4 1 When the whole nation had finished crossing the Jordan, the LORD said to Joshua, 2 "Choose twelve men from among the people, one from each tribe, 3 and tell them to take up twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan from right where the priests stood and to carry them over with you and put them down at the place where you stay tonight." 4 So Joshua called together the twelve men he had appointed from the Israelites, one from each tribe, 5 and said to them, "Go over before the ark of the LORD your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, 6 to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, 'What do these stones mean?' 7 tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever." ……….. 17 So Joshua commanded the priests, "Come up out of the Jordan." 18 And the priests came up out of the river carrying the ark of the covenant of the LORD. No sooner had they set their feet on the dry ground than the waters of the Jordan returned to their place and ran at flood stage as before. 19 On the tenth day of the first month the people went up from the Jordan and camped at Gilgal on the eastern border of Jericho. 20 And Joshua set up at Gilgal the twelve stones they had taken out of the Jordan. 21 He said to the Israelites, "In the future when your descendants ask their fathers, 'What do these stones mean?' 22 tell them, 'Israel crossed the Jordan on dry ground.' 23 For the LORD your God dried up the Jordan before you until you had crossed over. The LORD your God did to the Jordan just what he had done to the Red Sea when he dried it up before us until we had crossed over. 24 He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the LORD is powerful and so that you might always fear the LORD your God."

God commanded the Isrealites to build a memorial to help them remember the awesome thing that the Lord did for them. They would have an amazing legacy to share with their children. This memorial was something visible so that they could never forget to share with their kids, grandkids and the many generations that followed. A physical proof designed to recall, reflect and remind a feeble minded people of the miracle of God’s provision in their lives.

So many times I have found that I take this concept to a different extreme. Instead of building memorials that show the next generations what the Lord has done for me & my family, showing evidence of His faithfulness toward our provision ……… In my flesh, I build different kinds of memorials. Unfortunately, these memorials are designed to protect & serve the purpose of self preservation……….. They are memorials to help bring to the forefront of my mind, hurtful words or actions done or said against my family or myself. Memorials that remind me not to get too close to anyone that will eventually either intentionally or unknowingly chose to hurt myself or someone I love. Idols that keep my mind held captive to what is not glorifying to God. Memorials of bondage…… bondage to what has either already transpired or will not yet be given the opportunity to transpire. Memorials that rob, cheat and steal God’s joy, peace & fruit in my walk with Christ.

The memorials in my life that I need to dwell on with the kind of devotion that the Lord desired for the Isrealites, should be ones that reflect this verse.
Philippians 4:8-9 8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

I was chatting with a pastor at church, who knew the process in which the Lord was taking me through and I told him........ "I asked the Lord to do this work in my heart, spilled out the pain, help me forgive and show me how to love despite unrepentance, but then it just gets thrown in my face again. How can I ever overcome something that never gets resolution." He replied very simply "The day you get it thrown in your face again and it does not make you cringe, with be the day God has had HIS way with the hurt and true healing is complete. There need not be resolution or even restoration, but the burden of the weight needs to rest on the Lord's shoulders, not yours." What he was showing me was that it isn't till that work of God or knowledge comes to life again and challenges the purification when we are given an opportunity to 'try again' that WE discover if God has a fully surrendered, purified & contrite heart. It is never a mystery to God, yet we are the ones who trade ignorance for the reality of where our heart finds its allegiance.

Sympathy is no substitute for action

This was a quote spoken by David Livingstone that described our family's presentation for this morning.


Sympathy is no substitute for action. David Livingstone


Our children are apart of a co-op where each family is required to give an oral presentation in front of all the other families to share about something regarding their family. Since we are in the process to adopt AND Orphan Sunday is this week, we decided to share a little bit about what we have discovered on the journey. Here is the informal speech the kids and I shared with our group.

Abby
About 4 in 10 Americans have considered adopting a child at one time in their lives. This equates to about 81.5 million adults. There are 150,000 children in foster care awaiting a couple willing to accept them as their forever family. These children would all have a family to call their own TODAY, if only 1 out of these 500 adults, who considered adoption, actually pursued and completed the adoption process. (National Adoption Attitudes Survey, June 2002)

500,000 children are in need to be loved & understood by caring foster parents due to a painful event that caused them to be taken away from their real mom & dad.

Ben
Worldwide, 15 million children have lost both their father and mother.

Tens of millions more do not have a FATHER in their lives.

Every 18 seconds a child becomes an orphan.

Every 15 seconds a child looses one parent to AIDS.

Michaela
Orphans are more at risk of becoming victims of violence, abuse, exploitation and trafficking.

Please allow me to share with you some common myths about adoption

Myth: Adoption is only for people who can’t have children of their own.
Reality: It is a logical belief that, by default alone, this is who may be ‘best suited’ for adoption. However, this is not the way the Lord works. When the church entertains this assumption, we in turn, reject God’s heart. There are over 40 scriptures in the Old Testament that show God's concern and compassion for orphans. If we are to put on the mind of Christ, we too, would share in his heart for orphans, seeking Him in how we can serve the least of these.

Myth: Adoptees are more likely to be troubled than biological children
Reality: Research shows that adoptees are as well-adjusted as their non-adopted peers.

Myth: Adoption is outrageously expensive therefore putting it out of reach for most one income families.
Reality: Through the foster care system, adoption is virtually free. Plus there is a state subsidy & medical insurance that continues after the adoption is final, that provides for the child till they are 18. The tax credits put in place for people who adopt, fully reimburse MOST adoption expenses! Simply put, adoptions are often, no more expensive than giving birth. Yet, strangely enough, one expense is favorable and the other is beyond your reach. There is a sad truth that is never considered when talking about this dollar amount. God loves ALL kids. They are each a PRICELESS masterpiece of his creation. His heart’s desire for each orphan is to be cared for, loved and cherished. God is not up in heaven struggling with how He can provide his church with enough money to care for them all. It is very clear in scripture that He is awesome at providing for our needs and that He owns the cattle on a thousand hills. If He is calling you to do something, there is no such thing as an amount of money too great to meet the needs of God’s kids.

Myth: Parents can’t love an adopted child in the same way or as much as a biological child.
Reality: Love and attachment are NOT the result of, or guaranteed through, blood relation. The intensity of bonding and depth of emotion are the same regardless of how the child joins their family.

Abby
While many Christians give a ‘good reason’ why they do not feel called to orphan care, most reasons when stripped away, have more to do with fear than living out and seeking God’s heart for the orphan. As much as we might not want to admit it, many of us don’t like to think about orphans because, frankly, we’re scared of them. There is no doubt, orphan care can be risky. These kids need to be raised up, to be taught, to be hugged, and to be heard. Children who have been traumatized often need more love, attention and care than we ever thought we could give. It is so much easier to ignore those cries, however, true love of any kind is risky. The Gospel shows us that this self-sacrificing love is all worth it. God modeled it, even to the point of sending His son to die for us so that we may see eternity. As X-orphans ourselves, God had our eternity in mind when He created our forever home. The price of that sacrifice was great, however, it was priceless to Him because we are His kids.
My Part
In looking through the eyes of our children we model for them, God’s heart. Such an amazing & crucial responsibility. There comes a day when our kids SEE for the first time, what we have learned to ignore. Their hearts break when they SEE pictures of less fortunate children in the world. In response, we must bridge the gap of geography. These other children go to bed hungry, isolated from people who truly love them, and endure deplorable living conditions. With tender hearts, they wonder with uncertainty “Do you know about this?” conjoined with another thought, “What are we going to do about this?” Big questions for tiny hearts to grasp! It is inquired upon with such profound wisdom and a lively faith that inactivity should not be a choice. Their need to seek out justice for ALL of God’s kids, just bursts with possibility of a faith so large it must be cultivated.
Research has shown at ages 2 through 10, we validate or suppress their understanding of injustice by our action or idleness. If we chose to act, we show God’s love and compassion for ALL children and rightly reflect God’s heart. At this age and with their amazing childlike faith, it is not acceptable for life to be so hard, unfair or uncertain. When they are constantly told that the problem is too big and they are too small, this kind of ignorance fuels apathy.
By Jr high they become numb to the angst of injustice that was once so active within their hearts. Their desire to seek out God’s heart for the orphan is silenced by adults who have become numb themselves to the plight of orphans.
Once this continues into high school, friends, self-absorption, activities and other meaningless entertainment are utilized to drown out the cry. As you can clearly see, we must begin modeling this compassion at an early age in order for it to take effect.
If we ignite a fire in the hearts of the next generation to prevent them from becoming apathetic, ignorant and numb to the plight of orphans, we will accomplish great strides in instilling God’s heart & compassion for all his children. Gods most basic commandments are at the heart of orphan care.
Love the Lord your God with all your heart with all your soul with all your mind, with all your strength AND Love your neighbor as yourself.
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As Orphan Sunday is being celebrated this Sunday at many churches all across the country please pray for people to rise up and get that stirring in their heart. Not all orphan care is about adoption & foster care. Sometimes your part may look different but it will accomplish a common goal.

~ Just being a consistent person in a child's unstable life is a huge contribution.
~ Supporting a child in a 3rd world country where they can stay with the family that loves them is substantial.
~ Filling a shoebox for Samaritan's purse is an awesome gift to an orphan to show them the love of Christ.
~Being a cheerleader for those that are in the process or have adopted is an imperative part of the re-integration.
~Taking mission trips to orphanages in foreign countries is a way of seeking to comfort the many orphans.

If you want to remain apathetic & unaffected by the plight of God's forgotten kids that is between you and the Lord. There isn't much God can do with a hard heart. On the contrary,
God can do anything with a soft and moldable heart. He is the only one who knows how you are to play apart in orphan care IF you are willing to serve! However, He is a gentleman and will not demand you to do anything that you are grudgeful about or unwilling to do.

Roller coasters

The other day we traveled to Busch Gardens. The park had a special this year that if you pay for one day, you could get in the rest of the year for FREE. This was a Christmas gift for our family so we can go as many times in 2010 that our budget and schedule allows. We avoided most of the summer months so it had been quite a while since we had been there. Most of the time is spent lolly-gagging in one or more of the favorite spots like Jungulaya and Sesame Street land. Great for preschool age children and mine still love it too! Due to the fact that this place is more than just a roller coaster park it makes a good fit for our family. Eventually, I HOPE that I will not be the only one that appreciates G-forces beyond normal limits? Since the park was fairly vacant this time we spent A LOT of time on this ride.

Air Grover has a significant amount of pretty cool G-force even for a kiddy ride! This is not us on the ride but I thought you might like to see! This is one ride that most of the family rides together!

I did notice something a bit different on this trip in particular. Three of the rides that I went on no longer had the same effect on me that they used to. Usually when you ride a coaster you get a tickle in your belly or and intensity that just makes you want to scream. Instead of the 'normal' reaction, I found that I was a bit immune to the less daring coasters. Don't get me wrong, they are still fun, however, the one that 'ruined' my now immune coaster experience is called Sheikra.

You see, on this one there are 2 free fall drops where it stops you before you plummet (so you can SEE how far you will drop) then it brings you back up to DROP you again! Fun huh? We went to the park quite a few times before I even dared to go on it. Even for me, it looked CRAZY! My first time on it, ONCE was enough of a thrill for one day. However, the next time I went twice. It is still a thrill to go on, but the thrill it provides has 'ruined' me for the lessor tummy tickles of the other coasters. If you want the 'experience' of the coaster through video I found one for you to see what it is like in the front row. (still too chicken for that one myself!)

Seems kinda weird writing about my roller coaster experiences, but hold on for the deeper application behind it all. During one of these milder rides, I was bewildered at my new found immunity to less life threatening coasters. After the ride there was almost a great disappointment for NOT getting that same thrill/tickle in your tummy that you once had. As I was walking back to meet my family, I felt the Lord tugging on my heart.

Moving here to Florida is much like looking at Sheikra for the first time. It was scary to even think about if we would be able to take that risk. For the first year we dealt with a lot of grief from what we left behind but what made it all worth the 'ride' was the knowledge that God was doing something bigger that we just couldn't see yet. Initially our purpose was to serve where we were planted till until more of God's plan was revealed. Even though we had not a clue of what He had in store, we had that same feeling you get right before you get on a ride. The anticipation alone makes the wait worth while. During the waiting you don't see a ton of fruit within anything that you do, but you may see glimpses of what the Lord is doing personally. Molding, shaping and changing your preconceived notions of what we are capable of when we have the Lord doing things through us........

2 years have past. Even though we are about to embark on couple other 'Sheikra experiences' soon, which are exciting, what happens when that thrill dissipates? When we are down in the trenches immune to the hard growth that comes from these 'drops'? When we begin to measure with the worlds yard stick rather than Gods'. We are such a frail, faithless people that tend to look longingly back to the desert rather than seeking to fulfill what God has in store for the promise land. No matter where we loose focus, God is ALWAYS still faithful and moving amongst us. Even when there are no longer those 200 foot drops that give you that confirmation, do we still cling to, trust in and rely on the unseen? Much of our Christian lives are spent on the Merry-go-rounds and Air Grover rides, rather than dramatic free falls. It is so unfortunate that we sometimes become immune to the small ways in which HE chooses to use, minister and work in our lives on a daily basis. That there are battle scars more beautiful born out of sorrow pain than any born out of a mountain top experience. Our walks with the Lord are what we CHOSE to make of it. If we look through His eyes to seek out all opportunities to show Christ in the mundane, we will bear fruit. In chatting with the kids today I mentioned that everywhere we go, we have the ability to shine the light of Jesus. That there is no one opportunity more valuable than another. A trip to Wal-mart can easily turn into an opportunity to meet a lonely lady who JUST needed to see someone smile at her. This equates to the same impact of any preachers sermon on a Sunday morning. After all, we may see people that may never step foot in a church. Sometimes in the mundane we choose to 'check out'. We may miss an opportunity to see someone the way Jesus sees them because we are forgetful and less intentional to Him working through us in the everyday. We may miss a God-opportunity with our children because we are too busy to see what is heavy on their heart.

It is the same concept of being faithful in every situation we are blessed to be present in.

Luke 16:10 He who is faithful in what is least is faithful also in much; and he who is unjust in what is least is unjust also in much.

There are hurting people everywhere and there is no excuse not to be a light to give hope to a lost and dying world.

Colossians 4:5 Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. 6Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

These are just some of the things the Lord has been gently reminding me of!

Why Adoption.... part 4

Picking up where I left off with tiring of the whole "No Answer" business, this got us asking the Lord what we were missing. I am not sure what others do when they seek & only hear the silence of no answer, but we have always been taught that it is, what it is. That no answer doesn't mean NO, or a 'closed door' but yet an opportunity to seek out the character of God by losing more of self. Since we KNOW God does want to give direction in everything, we see it as a sign that there is something that may be a hindrance towards hearing the answer. A familiar war between the flesh and spirit that must be taken to the feet of Jesus for further examination.
Psalm 139:23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; 24 And see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

We began praying for the Lord to empty us. To begin to see HIS adoption through HIS eyes and not jaded by our experiences, information or preferences.
I don't know about you but I have countless instances of experiencing this familiar silence. When God is moving in any area of my life, He must first break through my pre-conceived what if's and possible 'answers' and the flesh that wreaks with corruption. While God does want us to come to Him, expecting an answer, the contents of our hearts can presume too much of what His answer could be. Praise God that He sees us past our feeble, short-sighted point of view....... the kind of faith that has a very narrow and limited vision of what His perfect plan entails. If there was ever a song to speak volumes to this time of being deaf to His voice it would be this one by Sarah Groves.

During this time of silence was about the same time of the great earthquake in Haiti. There were reports of adoptions which were already in process, being expedited in order to get those children to safety. Then there were the other stories........ orphaned children coming to FLORIDA to be placed in temporary foster care until the country was stabilized. I probably spent a couple days spinning my wheels on the phone, on hold and making random contact with anyone who knew anything about the children coming into care. As with many other times where we get sidetracked from sitting at Jesus feet, this proved to be a venture of grasping at situational straws......... again to be met with hopes dashed because it was man-made without the providence of the Lord's direction.
Back to listening again....... with that emptiness and willingness, the Lord made clearer the path He had laid out for us. He confirmed it with this scripture in Acts 1: 4 Once when he was eating with them, he told them not to leave Jerusalem. He said, "Wait here to receive the promise from the Father which I told you about.
The context of the passage was actually in reference to them receiving the Holy Spirit, however, it was also in reference to the disciples asking where they should go to minster and tell of what the Lord had done. It was clear that he was instructing them to reach the people in their own neighborhood and this would then be a witness to those that God may also be calling.
What we do know is that we will be adopting through the state of Florida. In many of my previous attempts at 'doing my homework' regarding adoption, it was hard. People would not return phone calls, there was scheduling conflicts, ect. Where as once we received the green light, people would answer their phone, others would call back, concessions would be made so John and I could get the classes done separately but yet finish about the same time! Totally a God thing, since we didn't have local child care available to us. John and I have completed the classes to become certified to adopt so now it is just a process of getting in all of our paperwork, doing a homestudy and making minor modifications to the house to pass the homestudy.

The difference between the adoption of my niece and nephew and ours is that the state of Florida makes you chose between being a foster parent and an adoptive parent. Although the training for each is the same, they want people to know what their family can handle. Many who would get attached to easily and desire to adopt their foster children, could sabotage the re-unification process with the birth parents. Many foster parents DO become adoptive parents if the children in their care are not able to return home, however, they begin their journey with the hopes of reunifying children with their birth parents.

There is a website dedicated to Florida's waiting children called the Heart Gallery. I must admit that I have spent way too much time on there looking into the eyes of these children. My heart aches for them. It is overwhelming to SEE, knowing we are only ONE family. That we can't ease more of the uncertainty of these children....... just waiting. Many of whose hope has been extinguished more times than you or I have EVER experienced. SEE-ing is a motivator. Even if we can't take them all, I can commit to praying for more families to step up to the plate and love the unlovable. I can be a witness and not be silenced by people who do not want to SEE.

We have put an age parameter to our adoption but there is no real number limitation with the exception of what our house can hold...... Meaning we would take a sibling group if the state says our home is 'big enough'. So as we prepare for whatever comes our way I will probably be blogging a little bit here and there but lacking specific details until things become final.

PLEASE be praying for our hearts. One of the reasons we know the Lord was not directing us towards fostercare was due to the attachment of our children. They can spend one day with someone and consider them a best friend forever. The Lord knows this about them and so in His sweet way, He knows that anyone who comes to live here would not be able to be sent away. This would be too heart-wrenching. So as we review case files (without the kids) SEEing is an unforgettable experience. While John is excellent at discernment, I seem to lack this when it comes to kids without a mom & dad! Please pray for us as we complete all of our paperwork & seek the Lord to determine who we will be adding to our family! Thanks!

Why Adoption? part 3

Sorry, I am backing up a bit........ but this is part of our journey and our determination for why we are following this path that the Lord has laid out for us.

About a couple years prior to Benjamen's birth, my brother and sister-in-law were being drawn to the calling of becoming foster parents. This was WAY before there was an awareness or organized "Orphan Ministries" in the church and prior to Christians taking their call to care for the fatherless seriously. Many of the folks at our church just smiled inquisitively when my brother and sister-in-law had an opportunity to share what they were being lead to do. To be honest, I was no help to this either. While I wanted what was best for their family in any calling, I worked with Foster kids in DCF's care, for a period of time between 1991 - 1995. Being a witness to the lack of support systems & resources available to foster parents while knowing my brother was working with many of their parents in jail, it just didn't 'make sense' to put their family at risk. Although, working with the kind of children than came into DCF care very wounded, it was an optimal situation to place them in the care of their stable, loving and consistent home and show them Jesus. PRAISE GOD they continued in this calling and DIDN'T listen to my concerns!

Worldy wisdom/knowledge can be more of a hindrance towards obeying the Lord, than having a blind, hopeful & undefiled faith. Moving forward, knowing that God has your back is way more important than having all the 'experience' or information.

They did have a couple kids in and out of their home. There was one temporary placement that stayed with them for a time but then went back home. They also had done some respite care for other foster parents. A couple weeks prior to Benjamen's birth they got a call to take into care a set of siblings that were 3 years and 6 months old. What sweet little ones God had placed in their home. It was great fun to watch them interact with my children who were around the same age. They came from a Spanish speaking home into a home that only knew English. Obviously the 3 year old was very withdrawn...... that is until she met her new 'best friends.'

It would be putting it mildly if I didn't admit to feelings of despair, frustration and helplessness watching the 3 year court battle to determine WHEN to terminate parental rights. Hearing my sister-in-law speak of the mandatory visits, voice her concerns about the times when they had to physically put the children in a car kicking and screaming to go for a visitation, was absolutely heart-wrenching. Especially as these sweet children were being grafted into part of our family. Although there was a Happily Ever After outcome to those 3 years of turmoil, John and I both decided that kind of journey to adoption was NOT for us! Too much heartache, too much sacrifice! There would be no way we could EVER do THAT! RIGHT?

After the adoption of my niece and nephew was official, we began coming into contact with people just like us (middle income families without an abundance), that were feeling lead to adopt. An official 'adoption ministry' was still not formed till a couple years later, however, quite a few families at our church were being lead to adopt. What they all had in common was the desire to please the Lord in everything. Most did not advertise what they were doing to avoid discouragement from fellow believers that were ignorant to the blessing of adoption. It was at this point that we were introduced to the many other methods of adoption.

~One such couple, also learning from watching my brother and sister-in-law, began the process of adopting legally free children from a neighboring state.

~Another couple WAS 'shouting from the rooftops' that they were seeking to adopt a sibling group internationally from Ethiopia. They were not done having children of their own but KNEW that the Lord had some amazing kids in Ethiopia that were not yet in their forever home.

~A third couple was beginning their journey through doing foster care, but ultimately adopted internationally.

With each instance of hearing from people that were actively pursuing adoption, this only ignited our desire too. One of the biggest myths of International adoption is: "IT IS TOO EXPENSIVE". While this is true, this is a statement that refuses to have faith in the providence of God and to understand God's heart towards adoption.
SEEING people just like us (no extra money or savings accounts in excess), being provided with funds that could ONLY come from the Lord was remarkable. It was similar to what the disciples must have felt when seeing 5 loaves and 3 fish feed the 5000 people and collect leftovers afterward. Our God is so big! With each instance of international adoption looking attainable, this seemed like an AWESOME witnessing opportunity. An amazing testimony to us frail, faithless people, that ANYTHING really is possible when it is a God thing. Money is never any obstacle to the Lord when He has plans to give orphans the forever family they need and the forever family the opportunity to experience God's adoptive/redemptive heart for us. So we prayed for God to move miraculously in our lives through the means of international adoption.

Fast forward now to after we move to Florida. During our first year we had no contact with anyone who was adopting, unless it was reading blogs from people in our home church family who were in the process of international adoption. In rejoicing in their 'Gotcha days', we would seek the Lord to petition Him. We wanted to know WHERE we should pursuit adoption so we could get this going........ By this time we even had the kids seeking the Lord regarding where and to give them the opportunity to pray for their future sibling(s). Yet we were not getting ANY answers. Since we became very familiar with our friends who were adopting internationally and hoped/assumed this would be the way the Lord would lead us too, we answered a radio ad from a local woman who had adopted with CWA. She was setting up informal meetings to introduce people to the world of International adoption. We came home with a load of information that included a country list. We prayed over each one of the counties and again NOTHING.


To be continued.........

Why Adoption? Part 2 Disqualified

*Disclaimer: My hubby reads EVERY post before it goes out. As the head of our household, he is my editor, so that I do not share too little or too much of what he would prefer. This next part is mostly about him, but please understand that I do have his approval to share this. God is a God of redemption. If He can't use our past to help others, then there is no good that can come of it.
2 Corinthians 1:3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

On that note, this is where our story continues........

Due to my health not ever 'returning to normal', we could barely see past this fact to even consider adopting in the present/future. Approximately a year after my health began improving, we began the process trying to sell our home, by owner. We knew that our current house was full and had no room for any additional children. At the same time we also felt the Lord nudging us to a different area nearby. The process of selling was taking much longer than expected and due to the stress of this, my health regressed a little bit. However, this was able to be remedied with meds and taking better care of myself.

At about the same time, my dear hubby went through a deep phase of anger. It was a bit more than just a bad day at work or being grouchy because of his shift work. There was a deeper root that neither he nor I could figure out what was troubling him. We sought out a dear couple from church to mentor us through this time. We began going through a bible study on marriage with them and discussing the chapters. After about half way through the book, it was the Holy Spirit that revealed to the gentleman, the reason behind John's anger.

Hebrews 12:15See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

When John and I were going through pre-marriage counseling there were parts of his past that he didn't want to share with me. That I would just have to accept the fact that he could not tell me about his "Before Jesus" days. My DH didn't come to the Lord until he was 32 years old so there was a bit of past deeds that were done the 'world's way'. He didn't want those past decisions to cause me to respect him less or see him in a different light. After all, since asking the Lord into his heart he was now a new creation, what is the point in dwelling in the past? At the time he was unaware of the verse in Hebrews that said it was difficult to bear this root alone. Due to the burden of hiding his past and the condemnation that it held over him, he was no longer able to maintain the burden. Instead it was coming out where he least wanted it to. Our mentor told him once he 'came clean' with everything and was able to speak freely about the past, there would no longer be a reason for this anger to reside in his heart and spill out on the people he loved most.

So when we got home that evening, he shared the burdens of his heart.

At the tender age of 15 my hubby conceived a child out of wedlock, with his girlfriend. It was shortly after the death of his father that this occurred where he was grieving and 'looking for love in all the wrong places'. Once her family found out she was pregnant they didn't tell anyone. One day she was 'sent away'. My hubby's best friend, her brother, wouldn't tell him anything about where she went or how she was doing. She and her family decided that the best thing for them to do would be to send her to a unwed mothers home during her pregnancy, so the child could be placed up for adoption. Due to the circumstances, this was tremendously wise. My hubby was informed of what had taken place when she returned to her home after being gone for 9 months. After a while, the nagging uncertainty subsided into buried guilt/shame.

OK, here is where I come off as the totally understanding wife! NOT! I don't 'beat around the bush' really well........ After finding this out, I remember uncontrollably blurting out certain questions in a kind and loving not so delicate fashion:
*How could you have a kid out there and NOT know where she is?
*Do you want to know if she is OK?
*Do you think she may want to know WHY she was placed for adoption?
*She needs to know her medical history!
*Have you ever thought about trying to locate her?

Such a compassionate response, I know. Maybe you are able to handle mysterious biological children better than I, OR possibly you do not have the same foot in mouth disease I do? ;o) While these were all things he had considered, in order to seek out the answers, you must prayerfully ask the Lord if this was something He wanted for all those involved. John was conflicted....... His heart and DNA cried out for answers, but there is an also that underlying guilt/condemnation when satan whispers in your ear 'YOU DON'T DESERVE TO KNOW'. Although his birth daughter was very much an adult now and he had wanted to locate her, making yourself available to be found came with so many unknowns.
How would this effect our family?
How do I explain to my kids that they have a sibling so much older than them?
What if this person has a horrible childhood because of me?
What if she hates me?
Will the truth be too painful a reality to re-live in order to find her?

Although many of these unknowns were paralyzing at times, he still wanted to find her. Even if it was to just let her know that when SHE was ready to chat, here was his information. Due to the complexity of an emotional roller coaster that this had caused in his life, I knew it would be hard for him to have the perseverance to find her. I asked him if I could do the searching for him and he agreed that this would be the best.


Long story short, we did find her parents in 2004 but it was right after Hurricane Charlie hit Florida. Her parent home was hit rather hard so they had been staying at a hotel while it was being repaired. Once they did receive John's letter, she e-mailed us first. Then they spoke over the phone. A couple years would pass before we got the opportunity to meet her face to face. If you haven't already, you can read about that here with It all started with a simple vacation.

Contemplating adoption when you have been on the other side of the spectrum (a birth parent), can be irreconcilable without God's healing power of redemption. Satan's lies would tell you that your life before Christ, disqualifies you from being on the blessing/receiving end of adoption. It wasn't till after this battle with his prior adoption story that he could even consider being blessed by adopting someone else's child. To Be Continued.......

Why Adoption? Part 1

Those of you that know us well, know that we have a heart for adoption. This was not always the case for us. Since we are embarking on the road to adoption I figured it may be helpful to share the reason how and why we came to have this passion.

No where in the bible does it say, "If you follow me and obey my instructions, everything will go PERFECT." Instead it says.....

Matthew 16:24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. 25 If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. 26 And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?

I Samuel 15:22 ......."Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD ? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams. 23 For rebellion is like the sin of divination, and arrogance like the evil of idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the LORD, he has rejected you as king."

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

1 Peter 1:3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. In God's great mercy he has caused us to be born again into a living hope, because Jesus Christ rose from the dead.4 Now we hope for the blessings God has for his children. These blessings, which cannot be destroyed or be spoiled or lose their beauty, are kept in heaven for you.5 God's power protects you through your faith until salvation is shown to you at the end of time.6 This makes you very happy, even though now for a short time different kinds of troubles may make you sad.7 These troubles come to prove that your faith is pure. This purity of faith is worth more than gold, which can be proved to be pure by fire but will ruin. But the purity of your faith will bring you praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is shown to you.

On the premise, as Christians, we are not to expect the 'perfect life', this is where our journey begins.
I can remember a time when Benjamen was just a couple months old when my dear husband brought up a very touchy subject with me. He told me it was time for him to have a Vasectomy. While he was no where near demanding my consent, he was pleading for my agreement.
Please understand, this wasn't just your 'typical' reason for being done. We had always talked about having a large family. While 3 kids under the age of 5 was stressful at times, I knew that God had a plan in mind for us! Usually the reasons people are 'done' having children usually fall into one of these categories:
~ "I can't handle any more kids"
~ "__ is enough"
~ "We have __ girl(s) and ___ boy(s) so now we can be done"
~ I want to be done with kids by the time I am ____ so I can enjoy my life again.

However, these were not our reasons....... His request was based with one purpose in mind. Preserving the safety of myself and our children. While my first pregnancy was rather normal, the last 2 had almost killed me. It was the providence of God that our children were born without some sort of birth defect. When you have a grand mal seizure while pregnant, the moms body cuts off the oxygen supply to the umbilical cord for the length of the seizure. Due to the deprivation of oxygen to the baby's brain and due to a flood of anti-convulsant medications that purged through their small bodies, we are very blessed that they didn't suffer serious injury.
Over the course of these years, my husband watched the healthy woman he married, just 4 1/2 years prior to this, become very sick. With each pregnancy, the hormones made a mild seizure disorder (petit mal) into something unable to be tamed even by the strongest medications. We used to have fair warning (aura) when the seizures were mild but now there was no warning at all. They continued to be longer in duration and more violent. The doctors warned, if we had any more children, the possibility of death or comma for me was probable.
Although I had all this information, the plans for a large family were dying and I didn't want to accept it. My hubby's intentions to protect the children we did have and give my body the ability to recover, didn't seem to sooth the permanence of co-erced infertility.
After all, I used to be the women who once thought she was going to "have it all"......... a career and 2.5 well adjusted children. I gave up the illusion of the American dream because God knows it would have destroyed me to chose this earthly fulfillment. INSTEAD, what gave me the most joy was being so blessed to bring children into this world and teach them about the Lord! To raise up world changers!

I went into my room to have a quiet time and PLEAD my case to the Lord. Through tears I began begging the Lord to change HIS heart. To heal me and allow us to have more children. Once my agenda was out there, the Lord began to soften my heart so that He could share His. Many tears were shed that day as I heard His still small voice mention the following subjects.......
Submission, Obedience, Sacrifice, Barren, Joy, Idolatry, Consequences of Disobedience, Fruitful, Hope......... and finally ADOPTION. As my heart strained to hear the painful words of conviction, it also clung to the hope of adoption. My heart and eyes welled up with tears as I shared these words the Lord had given me with my husband. Although I prayed for God to change his heart the one whose heart was changed was my own.
When a man is allowed the ability to truly LEAD his family, it is always a good thing that is pleasing to the Lord.
Grateful that I had chosen to agree with my his request, my hubby too agreed to the 'new plan' to complete our family. He, however, had no idea what this new plan meant for his future. Quite a few years would pass without uttering a word about adoption until it was brought up at a time out of context. To be continued.....